Get Skinny & Live Longer

[Martin Hash]

Metformin is a famous medication for diabetics; one of its side-effects is weight loss. It’s also got a reputation for lengthening people’s lives, so when I saw an online add for Metformin, where they supply the medical prescription and ship a 3-month supply at $30 off, I immediately signed up. I filled out a short health questionnaire and wa-la, the vial showed up. I was 500 mg per day to get skinny & live longer.

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I really committed to getting skinning, I know everything about intermittent fasting, and particularly lo-carb and ketogenic diets. To kick-start my skinniness, I fasted for 40-hours to put my body in ketosis then stayed that way for my longest period ever: 2 weeks. I was proud when my wife, Gwynne, told me my breath smelled like cookies. Unfortunately, the side effect of ketosis is fuzzy-headedness and extreme weakness. Most people would probably quit but I’m committed to skinniness. However, Gwynne told me: “I don’t think you should drive while you’re like this.” I told her I can drive and get skinny at the same time, no prob. Gwynne told me that if I wanted to lose weight so bad, I could cut off my arm. That’s when I started taking Metformin.

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Gwynne’s and my birthdays fall together in the middle of June. This year she gets Medicare which is a traumatic event in any woman’s life because there’s no denying you’re old any longer, so when she said she wanted to go to Iceland for a couple weeks, I was onboard. Gwynne informed me I had to get a vaccination which she knew I was ambivalent towards, not because I don’t like vaccines, I’ve got more than anyone I know being a doctor and traveling so much, but the political nature of this one makes it so I’m very reluctant to be ordered around. None-the-less, I said I’d get a blood test and if I didn’t already have the Covid antibodies then I’d get the vaccine. It took a week for the test results, during which time my youngest son told us he was coming to visit unexpectedly, so we canceled the Iceland trip before I got vaccinated.

That day my other son told me he had Covid the week before and that I’d been exposed. I wasn’t concerned except that I was getting skinny & living longer, and had become very zombie-like. Apparently, Covid is attracted to zombies because I caught it and nobody else did. However, it was hard to tell because between the ketosis and Metformin, my mind & body were so out of kilter, I didn’t know what was causing what, but all food tasted like salt, my body ached like it’s never ached before, and my breathing was labored; not to mention the nausea and dizziness, but those are side-effects of ketosis & Metformin too. I was also tired, and missed the whiskey-tasting Gwynne had arranged for a birthday gift because I couldn’t get out of bed. I also missed a BBQ, a car show, a live band, and everything else that was going on while I was getting skinny & living longer. The Covid symptoms got over so Gwynne took me out for birthday pancakes 3-days in a row, bought me 2 birthday cakes, my favorite cold cereal with marshmallow bits, and 2 gallons of whole milk, which knocked me out of ketosis, and mysteriously, I couldn’t find my Metformin?