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Martin Hash
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Post by Martin Hash » Fri Nov 20, 2020 10:14 am

My daughter, Heather, is one of those “grow up to become a beautiful swan” people; I mean stunning, model-quality beauty. This made her a guy-magnet from about 18 on, and I had high hopes of grandchildren. I was so certain that I built my house around grandchildren: bronze animals, rocking horses, children’s décor & all manner of kid-friendly, grandparents-tending items. Alas, that was 20 years ago, and I’d just about given up hope. Yeah, there were plenty of boys but they were all “not boyfriends” in Heather’s terms: “not boyfriend Matt,” “not-boyfriend Mike;”…; there were plenty of not boyfriends. Then one day a couple years ago, Heather introduced David as her “boyfriend!” My ears immediately perked up; her first not not boyfriend. And he was Catholic! Grandchildren here we come!

My Little Pony House.jpg

I started getting all of Heather’s old toys down from the rafters and cleaning them. I used q-tips, a toothbrush, and a soft washcloth to delicately get them all looking spanking new. I had to glue on a lot of the old labels that were falling off using Superglue. I love Superglue, I fix everything with it.

Gold Coin Jewelry.JPG

On the day of the wedding, my wife, Gwynne, had gone with Heather earlier in the morning to get their hair done with all the bridesmaids. I got out my old suit; one I only kept around for weddings & funerals; though I’ve never yet worn it to a funeral. I also went through my jewelry, something I never wear except at weddings & funerals; there was the gold coin watch, and the gold coin rings, and most importantly, I dug out my wedding ring. I’d forgotten why I hadn’t been wearing it; probably we’d gone on a long trip and I’d just forgotten to start wearing it again. I checked to see if Gwynne had remembered her wedding ring; it had broken last year and she hadn’t gotten it fixed; yep, there it was in her jewelry box. I thought of calling her to see if she wanted me to bring it with me to the ceremony, but then decided to surprise her, so I got out the Superglue and repaired it myself.

As things go at a church wedding, it was just Heather & me standing in the Bride’s room waiting to be called to the ceremony. I told her I had a surprise for mom, and when Gwynne came in, I dramatically took the repaired wedding ring out of my pocket and held it out to her. “I Superglued your wedding ring,” I told her proudly. You’d have thought I’d dropped a bomb; both Gwynne & Heather looked at me angrily. After a minute I sheepishly put the ring back in my pocket.

Avanti Just Married.jpg

I had more helpful things: I’d brought my 1958 white-on-red Corvette, and my 1963 supercharged Avanti, and painted “Just Married” on the windows for the bride & groom to take pictures in. Somewhere along the way of getting in & out of those old cars, Gwynne’s wedding ring must have fell out of my pocket. I didn’t tell Gwynne that day that her ring was lost; that probably wouldn’t have been wise, and anyway, maybe she didn’t want it anymore; I’m a guy, I can’t figure these things out. I eventually told her: “If you still want the ring, you could call the church and see if somebody found it?” I was surprised when Gwynne did call the church, and somebody had found it; so against all odds, Gwynne had her Superglued wedding ring back.

Heather had set the wedding date at the first of the year, when the Shamdemic was just beginning. We all thought, certainly the scare would be over by November 7th but, disconcertingly, the idiocy only got worse. In fact, it became problematic whether my son, Haven, was going to be able to attend because of travel restrictions from Peru, but as luck would have it, the borders opened up a week before the wedding; Gwynne was ecstatic to get to see our grandson. The Engagement Party, Rehearsal Dinner, Bachelor Party, Bridal Shower, and Reception, all occurred smoothly; even Maskers came and seemed to overcome their cowardice during the events. Heather & David were able to fly off to Cancun for their honeymoon without incident just before the Covidians took control and outlawed wedding receptions & travel. It was remarkable good fortune because we were able to slip in all of Heather’s festivities and Haven’s visit during that coincidental two week period of relative freedom. Shortly thereafter, a friend who was invited to our outlawed Thanksgiving dinner, called to say they couldn’t come because their mask had broken, for which I suggested Superglue.

Heather & David.jpg
Heather & David's Reception Video
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