Assless Chaps

[Martin Hash]

One of the best ways to see all parts of downtown is to refuse to pay for parking; that way you have to drive around, looking up and down every street for a freak opening. You have to have patience; sometimes it can take a while. For example, my son, Heath: I don't know where we failed in his upbringing, but he will only spend maybe 10 minutes before giving up and paying for a garage. However, my daughter, Heather, must have gotten all the right DNA because she'll miss the first part of a movie if she has to, looking for a space.

Gay Scene s.jpg

You also find some parts of town that are less familiar than others: Gwynne & I were going to dinner at a new seafood place in downtown Portland. I can't remember a thing about the food but I do know we had to draw a map how to get back to our parking spot, and take water. It was evening and the streets were mostly bare but after a couple twists-n-turns, the sidewalks became crowded. I didn't much pay attention to the folks standing around smoking cigarettes in front of nightclubs until Gwynne mentioned it: a lot of these girls looked like guys dressed up like girls, which even though it's in vogue right now, doesn't really get my blood to the right places, if you know what I mean. In particular, there was one cowboy walking ahead of us who had on the leather boots and chaps but he'd forgotten to put on some pants. Underpants too – this guy's buttcrack was free for nature's display. Thankfully for us, when you're counting God's little favors, he had shaved the hair off. I didn't need to see any more of that but Gwynne was mesmerized.

Assless Chaps 2.jpg

“Gwynne!” I whispered. “Eyes!”
But Gwynne either didn't hear me or was intentionally ignoring me.
“This is embarrassing; everyone can see you're staring at that guy's ass.”
She never broke eye-ass contact.
This guy's determined walk looked like he was going someplace in the same direction as us; he probably didn't like to pay for parking either. After a while I got to looking: he had little sparkly diamonds around the perimeter of the chaps and they flashed as he marched. It was hypnotic; eye-ass contact was made.
“What are you looking at?” Gwynne demanded, breaking me out of my reverie.
I immediately popped my head up and pretended I had been looking across the street.
“There's a Toyota over there I'd like to buy,” I stammered.
I don't think my improvisation fooled Gwynne because she looked at me suspiciously.
“Is the car close?” Gwynne said, a calculating look on her face. “I'm ready to get home.”
I thought that a strange statement to make, and Gwynne didn't say anything more on the way home, and she didn't say anything when she ran into the bedroom, stripped naked and jumped into bed.
“Hurry up!” she called, breathlessly.

I think I'm going to get me some assless chaps.

[DBTrek]

Just remember the public display was part of the effect.
You’re going to have to stroll around your neighborhood in them a few times to work the magic.

[Speaker to Animals]

You should do it on the train.