Beer Pong

[Martin Hash]

Beer Pong happened after me. My fraternity experiences were shaped by the movie “Animal House,” which didn't include Beer Pong, it came to college campuses long after I was gone, hence I hadn't played. This lack in schooling had never been much of a hindrance to pursuing my career before, but when I went to late-in-life Medical School, around students 30 years younger than me, Beer Pong takes on a whole new significance.

My wife, Gwynne & I, weren't usually invited to “parties,” where young people got drunk, smoked dope, and went home with strangers. Occasionally though, probably out of a sense of guilt, sympathy or pity, we'd get invited to a shindig. Of course, we'd never go; who wants to hang out with an old guy and his old wife? However, near the end of the term, the sister of one of the young people who did associate socially with us was visiting, and she wanted us to go to a party as a group. A Togo Party. Now, if you've ever seen Animal House then you know that Toga Parties ARE something I'm familiar with, and the lure was simply too difficult to resist.

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Gwynne & I were kind of a novelty, so in sideshow like fashion, I was encouraged to play Beer Pong.
“I've never played Beer Pong,” I admitted truthfully.
Everyone there had played Beer Pong hundreds of times; whether they considered me a deprived fool or thought I was a perfect foil, I don't know, but I suspect they were going to have a little fun at my expense.

I actually used to play ping pong, and I was pretty good, enough to play in a college tournament that determined who could play in an Olympic qualifying tournament. I decided my first Beer Pong attempt would be a bounce, because I still knew my way around a ping pong ball. I weighed the ball in my hand, calculated where it would need to hit on the table and at what speed to bounce into a 16 ounce clear plastic cup halfway filled with beer, and gave 'er a go, but to my surprise, the guy on the other team grabbed my ball out of the air.
“Can you do that?” I asked, incredulous.
“You must have never played Beer Pong,” he replied, a smirk on his face.
I felt belittled & embarrassed.
While the other 3 players were completing their turns, I noticed that nobody else was getting their balls grabbed out of the air. Obviously, the rules of this game were quite fluid depending on the social hierarchy, of which I was low man on the totem pole, probably grey hair related.

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I decided to pursue the Clown strategy. For those of you not familiar with the Clown strategy, let me explain: acting like a clown, doing and saying funny stuff, will relax competition. In the case of Beer Pong, the Alpha males wouldn't be grabbing the ping pong balls of the old clown guy. I made funny faces and light-hearted comments about how difficult this Beer Pong was, and most importantly, steeled together all my latent ping pong ball talent without letting on.

I stood way off to the side of the table, almost parallel with it, made like I was going to bounce the ball on the floor, exaggerating with my arm how hard I'd have to throw it down, laughed & joked. Apparently the rules allowed ridiculously impossible shots because nobody stopped me. I gave it a couple test swings then expertly bounced the ping pong ball in a long arc off the floor and right into a cup.
One for my team. They took away a cup. Three to go. Everybody was agape, chalking it off as miracle luck.

My next time up, I knew the opposing men wouldn't let me even get another lucky bounce shot, so I casually walked clear to the back wall, maybe 10 feet away, motioning an underhand throw, and asked, “Can I go from here?”
This was a performance, not a serious attempt, certainly, too far away, and I was pretend holding a tiny bowling bowl. The guys shrugged, what a clown. With itty bitty footsteps I shuffled up to and imaginary foul line, exaggerated my swing, and arced a beautiful, slow ball right into a cup.
Two for my team. Two cups to go.

Now we were cooking with Cisco. The guys on the other team, everyone in the room for that matter, didn't know whether to be impressed or chagrined that some old guy was beating them. There was no way they were going to let any ping pong balls pass unmolested now. Therefore, on my third turn, while talking nonchalantly and walking away, my back towards them, giving all indication that I was going to try the bowling shot again, halfway there, surprise, I did a spinning jump into the air to face the table and rocket my ping pong ball into a cup. Nobody even had time to think.
Three for my team. One more we win.

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I saw the hate in my opponent's eyes. Hell, I saw hate in everyone's eyes. There was no way a ping pong ball from my hand was gong anywhere near any beer cups. My Beer Pong days were over. I didn't know what I was going to do for my next try? Wrestle someone? But there was still my partner's turn. She hadn't been successful, or even close so far. The competition was them versus me; I'm not sure anybody even remember I had a teammate. So while all the Alpha medical school males were staring mano-to-mano into my eyes, she shot a perfect overhand ping pong ball into the last beer cup.

Ding! Old man and short girl wins. Silence. I mean for a long time, nothing. You'd think one of the other women in the room would congratulate my partner but nada.
“I've never played Beer Pong before,” I said one last time.
Everybody else all went into a back bedroom, shut the door and smoked dope. Gwynne & I weren't invited, and neither was the student teammate who had invited us. We went home, Beer Pong champions – the only time I ever played.

[Montegriffo]

Boris Johnson's legendary ping pong speech at the handover from the Bejing games to London made in 2008...

[DrYouth]

Sounds like you went to medschool with a bunch of assholes.

Too bad.