Halleluiah

[Martin Hash]

It was Sunday. My wife, Gwynne, had something to do in downtown Vancouver. I gave her a ride and waited in the car. "Prairie Home Companion" was a rerun on the radio so I was scanning through the stations listening for something interesting. The scan function would play a couple seconds then move on.

Sunday is Preacher day, and there were plenty to choose from. During a short sound-bite I thought I heard a preacher-type say something surprising. Again, I heard him say it. I looked at the dial to see what station it was on - just then the scan skipped. I quickly pushed the button to go back a station. There it was: and the preacher was saying exactly what I thought he was saying in that sing-song preacher cadence.

"...all you mutter-f**kers must believe in Jesus. It's mutter-f**kin' Jesus goin' git you in da Kingdom of God... Halleluiah!"

In the five minutes I was listening, I heard the term used over-and-over. Every "Halleluiah" was punctuated with "mutter-f**ker!" It's been a long time since I've been to church: I was married in a church 23 years ago, and when I was a kid, I used to go to church with my mom every Sunday. Apparently, things had really changed since. I wanted to call my still-church-going mom and ask her if this new terminology was common, but I wasn't sure how to form the question. I could imagine the conversation going something like this:
"Mom, do they call Jesus a Mofo now?"
"What's that, dear?"
"You know, do you say M.F.'n heaven?"
"I can't understand what you’re talking about, Marty."
"Forget it, Mom."

Nah, I wasn't going to ask mom.

During the commercial break, Gwynne returned to the car. "Halleluiah, mutter-f**ker," I said. Gwynne glared at me. "Really. Listen for yourself." But after the commercial, it turned out the preacher's program was over.

"No, really, Hun. That's what he said.” I smiled weakly, trying to look innocent.

...

We had to go to church that day.