Replacement Cellphone

[Martin Hash]

I don’t talk on my cellphone much, sometimes not for months, so when I want to use it, I’m pretty irritated if the thing doesn’t work. The last time I wanted to use the phone, it would blink and get hot but it wouldn’t connect. I’d bought the thing when AT&T sent me an upgrade offer in the mail. My old phone was twice as big and heavy, so for $50 I thought I was getting a good deal – except it didn’t work. My son, Heath, told me to call AT&T and ask for a new one. Seemed easy enough.

A customer service representative asked if he could help me.
“The phone I bought from you guys doesn’t work,” I said. “Can I get another one?”

“Which one do you want?”

“Whatever I had would be fine.”

“We don’t have that model anymore.”

“Give me whatever’s closest – I paid $50.”

“We only have one model.”

“Then that’s the one I want.”

“It’s $129.”

“But the one they offer me in the mail every year is only $50?”

“Sir, you can only get the phone for $50 if you have lost yours.”

“You mean the phone I bought from AT&T six months ago, that doesn’t work because of poor craftsmanship, costs $129 to replace, but if I lost it, I can get a new phone for $50?”

“I’m sorry, sir, but that’s the way it is.”

“Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job or anything but work with me on this… When I say, ‘Are you kidding?’ You say, ‘Mr. Hash, maybe you should check to see if you know where your phone is.’ Then I say, ‘By golly, I think I’ve lost my phone.’ Then you say, ‘I can replace your lost phone for $50.’… Is this concept reaching you?”

“I would never tell you anything like that!” the phone guy insisted.

“Okay, well, thank you very much.”

I hung up, opened a window and threw the busted cellphone as far as it would sail then dialed again.

“Hello, phone guy,” I said.

“Yes. How may I help you?”

“I’ve lost my phone. I’d like to get another one.”