Mole Man

[Martin Hash]

I was watching basketball at home on my TV. The doorbell rang. Half irritated at the interruption, I answered it. A tall, young, gangly man stood before me.

"Mole Man," he announced.

"You're not the 'Mole Man'. I know the 'Mole Man', and you're not him," I challenged.

"Yes I am."

"How old are you, anyway? You're more like the 'Mole Boy'."

The supposed Mole Man just smiled. He pointed to my front yard. "You look like you got moles. I'll set traps for nothing. If I get any moles, you owe me $20 each."

"Twenty bucks!" The real 'Mole Man' only charges me $5 a piece."

"Listen. I told you, I'm the 'Mole Man', and if you want me to do something about your problem here, it's going to be $20 a mole."

"I guess I'll just have to wait for another Mole Man to come along."

"Right." And he started to walk away.

I looked at my yard. It was a mine field. "Wait. Wait," I begged. "$20 isn't so bad."

The Mole Man turned back to face me. "I knew you'd come to your senses. This here's a serious mole infestation. If we don't stop it now there's no telling how far they'll spread. Why'd you let it get so bad?"

I was silent a moment. "Well, to be honest, my drain field was acting up."

"What?"

"My septic drain field is getting old and clogged. I was about to put in a new one when this mole thing started happening, then all their burrowing kinda fixed things up."

The Mole Man was quiet. "You're putting me on."

"Are you a Mole Man or not?"

…

In strategic places about my yard were set numerous mole traps.

"I'll be back in a few days," the Mole Man announced before he left. "Have my money ready."

Two days later.

"This place is a real bonanza. Mind if I use your name as a reference?"

"Uh, whatever."

"All of my traps are full, but there's still more moles. I'll have to reset and come back."

I was feeling guilty about all of the moles I'd inadvertently sent to their doom. Especially guilty since the moles had obviously come to expect my property to be a sanctuary.

"No," I told the Mole Man. "That's enough. My septic tank may go bad again."